You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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