I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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