Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
