Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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