i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
