4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
