Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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