Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
