I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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