my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
