im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
home. puking in laundry basket.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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