She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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