Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
