i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
