I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
