i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just found a bag of teeth...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
