She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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