My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
