Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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