that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
