She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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