lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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