apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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