ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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