i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
