I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
