thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
