If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize