I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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