At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
