My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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