I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
