I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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