I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
