i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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