True but thats because hes a fetus.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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