if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
