I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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