The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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