I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
