Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
