My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
