Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
