I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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