You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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