The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My feet surprised me
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