Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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