don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize