wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Drunk is not a location!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
