Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
