I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize