did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
