She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
