I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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