my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
OPIZZABONMYDICK
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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