I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I didn't notice because vodka
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Shame is for Republicans.
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