I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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