the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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